Muslim Guy Has a Past But Wants a Muslim Girl With a Clean Past

As we expand this site on the topic of halal relationships, I wanted to bring about the problems with having a boyfriend or girlfriend, hence a pre-martial intimate relationship. We were always told by our elders that it's wrong but you will still see Muslim youth still engaging in this relationships.  The worst thing is some Muslim parents actually embrace it because it's a "modern" thing to do. When we talk about haram pre-marriage relationships, there are many degrees of it:

• 1st degree: there is no touching but "just talking" intimately 
• 2nd degree: just hugging and touching. 
• 3rd degree: deals with everything previously mentioned but with kissing, and sex.

In Surah (17): Verse 32:

And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fahishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him).

What will talk about is the 3rd degree relationship, in which there is no limits. If a person has an intimate relationship with someone before marriage, and plans to get married to that person, what guarantees that it will work out? There isn't any accept with the will of Allah (SWT).  Let's take it a step further; when we talk about intimate, we mean 3rd degree relationship. And after a while the relationship weakness and falls apart and partners go your separate ways.

Now the person, boy in this case, has several of these pre-martial relationships and then decides to get married to a particular girl he likes, and wants to get married with that girl. They talk about marriage the girl's past comes up, and he finds out that she did have a past. It bothers him because he did haram things in the past but he wants a pure girl for the children of his mother. Do you think that's fair? Why should he judge the girl for her past if his past isn't clean? And I specifically mention this antagonizing the guy because it's usually guys who have this issue. In my university I've seen guys who mess around with girls and when it comes to marriage they go back to Pakistan and marry their cousin, who never had a boyfriend. He didn't want to marry those girls they dated, because they had no respect for those girls.

Unfortunately people who engaged with multiple pre-mariatial relationships have a hard time being satisfied after they get married. These individuals are so desensitized by the opposite sex that they won't feel excited about marriage.

Why Boyfriend/Girlfriend Relationships are Bad News

Let's take another scenario and make it complex, what if two people who click with each other and they can be the best of friends and the best of couples. However, the girl messed around before she decided to be religious and get married and the guy is a virgin. When the guy finds out about her past, he breaks down and it bothers him to be around her, and he does not see her the same respectful way. This is not fair for the guy and a marriage in this scenario usually doesn't happen. When people have pre-marriage relationships then it affects potential futures. Also, nowadays, among the guys there is this antagonizing view of women without a clean past. If one guy dates a girl, but doesn't work out, then another guy who friends with him, will not want to approach that same girl, because she is "used" by his friend. You see why we shouldn't have pre-marriage relationships; it destroys opportunities for potential marriages.

Don't Talk About the Past

This one thing you should know. You should never ever tell your potential partner or spouse about your past relationship. What I mean is, it's up to you to tell your partner or not if you had a past, but don't give the details. Don't tell your spouse what you did in your past, because it will hurt your partner even if your partner had a past. After marriage, in an argument you partner may use your past against you; they may say they won't but your part will, it's human nature. Your partner's past is for Allah to know, and not for you.

Muslim brothers and sisters, there is someone for everyone. And Allah (SWT) will pair us with whoever is best  for us. If you want a pious person, then keep your self pious or go back Islam and increase your deen.  And Allah (SWT) will grant you a pious spouse.